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being a perfectionist means you'll never be perfect

i know there are many people who would love to be in my shoes (and i have a lot). i have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a supportive family, a nice house, a great job. money is not an issue because we make enough of it and we live below our means. i'm young(ish), smart and healthy. life is good, right? right!? but i constantly find myself feeling dissatisfied. chad says that i'm a total pessimist who manages to find the negative in every situation. doesn't sound like a very nice thing to say to your wife. but i suppose i can't fault him for being honest.

one of my problems is that i'm a perfectionist. i used to think that this was one of those traits that you pretend is a fault but is really an asset. you know, like the kind of answer you give to that standard interview question? but i've come to realize that it's just an excuse to not be happy with what you are / what you have.

i recently came across this post on the subject on penelope trunk's blog. most of what she writes resonates with me as a woman trying to juggle a family and a career, and this post was no different. it struck a chord on a personal note as well. i found these four observations to be very insightful:

• Perfectionists procrastinate because they're scared of not being perfect.
• Perfectionists are hypercritical to the point that they can't support people around them.
• Perfectionists can't finish a project because they can always think of a way to improve it.
• Perfectionists are phony, because no one's perfect and they can't handle showing that in themselves.

but identifying your flaws is the easy part. changing your entire outlook on life, even if it is for the better, is not so easy.

people first

i scored a DVF dress on rue la la yesterday. even on discount, it's the first decent item of clothing that i've bought in a very long time. and by decent i mean something not off the clearance rack at the gap. this is saying a lot given that there once was a time when i spent way more money on clothing than on rent. but times have changed. last weekend, i contemplated a $24 mascara purchase at sephora for nearly a half hour.

 

i think my priorities have taken a major shift overall. i am much less materialistic than i used to be. probably partly due to becoming a parent. but the real eye-opener has been the horrific economy. it's not just something talked about in the media. i feel the stress of it in my life almost every single day. in the past several months i've watched our retirement and investments dwindle down to half their previous values. and even worse, i've seen many of my friends and colleagues lose their jobs. my company has laid off 20% to date. my old company laid off 200 people earler in the month. and today another retailer headquartered in columbus laid off 400 people. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

 

chad's and my jobs are relatively secure. but "relatively secure" in this economy isn't totally comforting. which is probably why i have this intense unpatriotic urge to hoarde all of our money. judging by the consumer confidence index, i am obviously not alone. i know the economy will eventually bounce back. but i think my attitude towards money and "things" will be forever changed. this is not necessarily a bad thing. i've been watching suze orman lately, and as she says, "people first, then money, then things".

february already?!

it's been a long time since i last posted. the rest of winter after the holidays usually drags on and on (and on) until spring. but this year, january - and already half of february! - went by in a blur. work has been really busy, which is good i suppose. given the horrendous state of the economy, i know that should feel grateful to have a secure job (much less one that i enjoy very much). but it often leaves me with little energy for much else. i'm starting to feel all work and no play. it kinda sucks.

mags turned six months on monday. i know it is cliche to say this, but seriously, i can't believe my baby is six months already. half a year old. it makes me proud and sad at the same time. she's amazing - so smart, funny, strong. she is not crawling yet, but wants to be mobile very badly. she somehow manages to scoot herself several feet across the floor, but not entirely sure how, as she only does it when we're not watching. she is starting to babble more, but mostly she screams. i'm talking high decibel, ear-piercing, banshee screams. she screams when she's happy, when she's mad, when she's just bored. she silenced an entire room full of adults AND kids at COSI with one of her screams. i'm sure she will be using this talent for evil one day very soon (imagining it accompanied by body flailing). but for now it's cute.

she started solids a few weeks ago and she's a great eater. she likes carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, butternut squash, applesauce, parsnip. she was so-so on bananas. and pears are her absolutely favorite. i'm making all of her food and it's been pretty easy and fun. although chad complains that i make gourmet organic meals for the bean and feed him frozen pizza. but isn't that what being a parent is all about? you put the needs of your child before your own (and your spouse's).

actually, i wish i was around to do more. the reality is that she spends most of her waking hours with neither parent. but we are lucky to have a wonderful nanny. maggie absolutely adores her. i thought that i might become jealous, but i'm not. i am so relieved and happy that we've found somebody who takes such good care of our baby. and she does a really good job at helping me stay connected. i love it that she sends me stuff like this during the day:

mommy guilt

when chad and i became parents, we agreed that we would make some major priority shifts in our lives. chiefly, we would start putting family first - work second. for chad, this new work/life balance means limiting travel to just a couple times a month, getting into the office by 7:00 so he can feel comfortable with leaving at 5:15 everyday, and no weekends. so how is this new schedule working out for him? well, this week he left for a business trip on sunday afternoon, returned on tuesday evening at 6:00, and last night he had a work dinner and didn't get home until almost 9:00. hmph. definitely not compliant with the family first policy.

 

but i have to be fair here. he is not the only culprit. i've been back to work for almost 3 weeks now, and while my new work/life balance schedule originally had me leaving for work at 8:15 and coming home at 6:00 (i have a 1/2 hour commute each way), i've been cheating. my mom has been staying with us for the past few weeks so i've been able to tack on an extra 30-45 minutes on either end without worrying about someone being home for the baby. my excuse is that so much changed while i was on maternity leave - the company laid off over 100 people, i have a new boss, and a new boss's boss, and my job responsibilities have changed pretty dramatically. there is a lot to catch up on.

 

but no excuse makes me feel any less guilty. i feel guilty that for the past 3 weeks i haven't been the one soothing maggie back to sleep when she wakes up in the middle of the night (my mom has). i feel guilty that i sometimes sleep in an extra 15 minutes instead of waking up to play with her in the morning, especially since early morning is when she's the happiest. i feel guilty that when i get home from work i try to keep her up even though she is sleepy. i feel guilty that sometimes i'd rather just veg out in front of the tv than give her a bath. i feel guilty that i hate pumping. i feel guilty that i haven't been taking pictures of her everyday or even every week. i feel guilty that i haven't been updating this blog with all of her milestones.

 

does daddy guilt exist? i don't think so. i feel guilty that that makes me feel bitter.

dreading monday

this is the last week of my maternity leave. i go back to work on monday. i thought i'd be looking forward to it at least a little bit. but just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach and brings tears to my eyes. i'm really surprised by this. 

deep down, i know that being a stay at home mom is not the right thing for me. for one, i crave the mental stimulation and sense of accomplishment that having a career provides. secondly, i've worked from home before, and it made me feel lonely and isolated. i am an introvert by nature, so i often fall into the trap of being anti-social from lack of effort. yet like most people, i thrive on consistent human interaction, so i need the social aspect of working outside of the home. and lastly, i'm not gonna lie... i like the money. i haven't run the numbers since i never seriously considered not working, but i'm pretty sure chad alone makes enough to support our family. however, my salary is not insignificant. it affords us a lot of luxuries. i suppose that sounds awful. like i am putting my affinity for material objects before my desire to raise my child fulltime. but is it really so terrible? the money that i make is not just for me. it will allow maggie to experience nice vacations, will pay for her college, will pay for her wedding someday, may even help her buy her first house. yes, we could get by with less. but i don't subscribe to the less is more theory.

besides, i am not convinced that i am the best person to care for maggie all day. i will certainly love her the most. but only because i am her mother. the nanny on the otherhand, loves all children. she is patient, caring, kind, and doesn't resent spending the entire day conversing babytalk. i fear that i am too quick to lose my temper, am not patient enough, and will grow bored and resentful.

so why am i so torn? mostly because i am afraid that i will miss too much. she changes and grows so quickly. just in the last week... she started sleeping through the night (well kinda... 5 hours - nevermind that they were mostly on the wrong side of midnight). she can reach and grab onto objects - not just randomly swat at them. she rolled from her stomach to her back (although it was probably a total fluke since she hasn't even come close since). how will i feel when the nanny is the first one to see her crawl or hear her first word? (and what if it's not mama!) i will also miss being the most frequent recipient of her smiles - ah those smiles! melts my heart.

okay. i've wasted enough of these last precious minutes by blogging. gotta go cuddle now.