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operation CIO: aborted

i'm giving up on cry it out.

night #2 had mixed results. she fell asleep after crying for 35 minutes. so it was a slight improvement over the night before. but she woke up at 11, 3 and 5. so i would say overall it was not a success. by night #3 i think she was mad at me. you can say i imagined it but i swear she was totally giving me the cold shoulder. she didn't even smile at me when i got home from work. what a shitty feeling. but i forged ahead with the same bedtime routine as always, and once she was very drowsy i put her down in her crib. she started crying immediately. 45 minutes into it, i could tell she was coming to the end because her cries had turned from hysterical screaming to really pathetic whimpers only sporadically punctuated with heaving sobs. i'm sure she would have fallen asleep within the next 15 minutes or so.

but i felt awful. i wanted to scoop her up, wipe away her tears and cover her with kisses. so that's what i did. i rocked her to sleep in my arms and then we laid down together in the twin bed in her room for a while. once she was dead asleep i moved her to her crib, where she slept until 4, woke up to nurse and went right back down without any kind of protest, and slept until 7:15. i can live with this. i can do this for her until she is ready to go to sleep by herself. i can stay up all night with her if need be.

what i can't do is endure another night of plugging my ears to her cries. believe me, i have no illusions that the failure of CIO was due to anything other than my own failure to execute. but i have no regrets. i tried it to the best of my ability, and ultimately realized that it isn't for us (me).

so the sleep saga continues... (or should i say sleepLESS)?

to sleep or not to sleep? that is the question.

i am at my wits end. maggie has become an absolute terror at bedtime. she's never really been the best sleeper - but we used to get at least 4 to 5 good hours on most nights. but for the past couple weeks, it's been really difficult to: a) get her asleep b) keep her asleep and c) get her back to sleep. basically, the problem is that she just won't sleep!

 

and with each sleep deprived night that passes, my sleep philosophy has shifted from the likes of Sears (attachment parenting) closer to those of Ferber (cry it out). i never thought i would be able to endure letting my baby cry for any extended period of time. but it's amazing what you can be driven to do in times of desperation.

 

chad is all for CIO. and our pedi is a proponent as well (although he readily admits that he never practiced this with his own kids because his wife would not allow it). i agreed to give a try last week - but only succeeded in making a couple half-ass attempts with inconsistent results. i guess i just wasn't ready to really commit to let her really cry no matter what. it just didn't feel right. 

 

but last night i couldn't take it anymore. i was at my breaking point. the night started out well. she was in a great mood when i got home from work but i could tell she was starting to get sleepy. so we started her bedtime routine a little earlier - at 6:30 rather than 7:00. i had her asleep in her crib by 7:15. that lasted maybe 20 minutes. she woke up screaming. i was able to appease her with a binky and a couple pats on the back. sigh... asleep. 10 minutes later... screaming again. so i gave her a bottle. she polished it off and fell asleep again. but as soon as i put her down in her crib she was screaming again. this time inconsolably. the only thing that would get her to stop crying was to pick her up. but by this time any attempts to get her to fall back asleep were met with screaming and back arching. she appeared to be wide awake but very cranky.

 

finally, there was nothing more i could do. so i laid her back down in her crib. gave her a kiss. said good night. closed the door. and let her cry. and cry. and cry. this went on for what seemed like forever but was in actuality 50 minutes. she finally fell asleep at 8:45. she woke up at 4:15 for a bottle and went back down easily for another hour or so. this is the longest stretch of sleep she's had in a very long time (maybe ever?). does this mean that she is on her way to learning to self soothe? or did she sleep that long out of pure physical and mental exhaustion from all that crying? not sure. but we will try it again tonight. and again tomorrow. i promised myself that i would give it at least three nights.

 

i really hope this works. and that it doesn't cause any long-term emotional damage. i keep telling myself that it is for her well-being as well as my own sanity. but i'm obviously not convinced.

 

stay tuned.