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the small things

maggie is almost 21 months old, and i regret not keeping up with this blog during this time. i wish i were one of those mommas who meticulously records every milestone. i think she started crawling at around 6 months, walking at 10 months, her first word other than dada and omma was ball? or was it dog? she used to eat anything and everything i put in front of her, so when did she stop liking broccoli? i'm really not sure because i've never been good at keeping records of those kind of things.

but one thing i do remember as vividly as if it were yesterday was the moment i met her for the very 1st time. when the doctor laid her on my chest and i looked down at her tiny little face, i remember thinking, "omg. she's perfect." and she truly was perfect - in the way that only a mere-seconds-old baby can be. and then came the incessant crying, the breastfeeding issues, the sleepless nights, and a multitude of other struggles that are so common in parenting a newborn but nonetheless so demoralizing. you know, those moments that you feel like all your baby does is take take take all.the.time. and you understand why they make you watch that shaken baby syndrome video before you leave the hospital. 

you quickly learn that your precious little one isn't so perfect after all. she's actually quite a pain in the butt by most standards. but amazingly enough, you love her anyways. and as she grows and becomes her own little person, gaining more and more imperfections along the way, you love her even more. you learn the true definition of unconditional love. and you don't need a blog or baby book to remind you of that. i wake up every single day in awe of it.

but i do want to get better at capturing those little moments. because i never want to forget how sweetly and genuinely she kisses me on the lips when we get to the part in the barney song that goes "with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you". or how proud i was that she could recite the entire alphabet at 19 months. or how funny it is that she tells me "bye bye omma, see you tomorrow!" even if i'm just leaving the room for a few minutes.

with another little one on the way, i know it will be even more difficult to make time to blog, take pictures, relish the small things. but i am going to make a wholehearted attempt. stay tuned!

spilling the beans

last week i finally spilled the beans about my pregnancy to my boss and co-workers. no one even feigned surprise. i wonder what gave me away. could it have been the frumpy clothes that i've been wearing in futile attempts to hide my already enormous belly? or maybe the all-day snacking? the frequent trips to the bathroom? the nice shade of green on my face from the constant nausea?

i didn't want to tell everyone until everything checked out okay with my OB. but my original appointment got canceled because she was stuck in a delivery. on the morning of my rescheduled OB appointment, i had a one-on-one with my boss, which presented me with the perfect opportunity to give her the news: "i'm pregnant... with TWINS!" like i said, the 1st part came as no surprise to anybody. but TWINS!? that was a surprise.

i know the rule of thumb is to not make your pregnancy public knowledge until after you're out of the "danger zone", aka 1st trimester. but at that point, i was almost 12 weeks, and had already had 2 ultrasounds with my RE. there was some concern at my 1st u/s because baby B was measuring behind and had a slightly enlarged yolk sac. but we were reassured by the 2nd u/s at 8 1/2 weeks that showed that both babies were growing at the same rate and had good, strong heartbeats. my nausea was still pretty bad - much worse than when i was pregnant with Mags. but i considered it a good sign - attributed it to the fact that i was carrying 2 (double the hormones). overall, i was feeling very positive and hopeful. i saw no reason to conceal my pregnancy any longer.

so imagine how blindsided i was later that afternoon when the u/s at my OB's office revealed that baby B did not make it. it was clear to me as soon as the u/s came onto the screen. but my OB did not divulge the info right away, wisely choosing to first focus on baby A, who appeared to be doing great. i could tell chad hadn't seen what i saw: baby B was much smaller than baby A and there was no flashing of its heartbeat. but while my OB focused on baby A, pointing out its organs, fingers, toes, etc., i somewhat managed to convince myself that maybe it was the angle or position of the u/s wand that had caused me to jump to bad conclusions. i allowed myself the teensiest bit of hope. however, as my OB shifted the focus to baby B, i knew the final verdict even before she muttered a single word. and i was crushed. chad was devastated as well. the life we had begun to picture as a family of five came tumbling down. suddenly, four seemed so small.

this isn't my 1st miscarriage, but it feels completely different from my other one. with that one, i was allowed to mourn. i took a couple days off work, i cried for weeks, people felt sorry for me and i was allowed to feel sorry for myself. it had taken me a year to get pregnant that time (and then another year to get pregnant again with Maggie). this time, i probably won't even experience the loss physically - supposedly baby B will just "vanish". obviously, i'm still pregnant. i still have one blessing on the way. maybe that's why people seem to be discounting my loss. i guess i can't blame them. even i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel.

i'm trying very hard to focus on the positives, but i keep thinking about the moment we 1st found out we were having twins. one of my very first thoughts about having 3 under the age of 2 was, "NOOOOOO.... MINIVAN!" now i desperately wish i still had a need for a minivan.