ibbunee.com

mother of the year

the scene: 8:00 last night. chad had just left to meet up with some friends after helping me get the kids fed, bathed and to bed. ahhh... quiet house to myself. i get to relish it for maybe 5 minutes before i hear a door open, a door slam and the pitter patter of little feet across the hallway to the top of the stairs:

Mags: hey! i pooped! change my diaper! DaaaDaaa! (wait) mommy!? (wait)
Me: (sigh) okay. i'm coming.
Mags: where's daddy?
Me: he went out with friends.
Mags: why? (her default response to everything lately)
Me: to have fun.
Mags: why? why you didn't go, mama?
Me: because if i went too, who would be here to change your diaper? gabe?
Mags (giggling): NOOOOO! he's a baby. he can't change my diaper!
then after taking a minute to think about it she adds: "when he gets bigger he change my diaper".

um... right. just another reminder of my recent failures as a mother. i have no doubt that my precocious 27-month old is totally ready to be potty trained (probably has been for months), and the onus is on me (and chad). but my excuses are: i work a full-time job outside of the home, i also have a 3-month old, i am operating on 3-5 hours of sleep/day... and well, i suck as a mom sometimes. i kid (kinda). but i'm going to stop complaining now. because even if my kid outgrows the largest sized diaper before i ever get around to potty training her, there's always depends. and i still have the smartest, cutest, most lovable kids a parent could ever wish for.

by the way, notice my last post before this was in MAY??? another piece of supporting evidence as to why i suck as a mom sometimes. until now, i haven't even blogged about the existence of my 2nd child! but i've taken pictures! (although many less than what i had taken of maggie at this age). see flickr stream to the right.

the small things

maggie is almost 21 months old, and i regret not keeping up with this blog during this time. i wish i were one of those mommas who meticulously records every milestone. i think she started crawling at around 6 months, walking at 10 months, her first word other than dada and omma was ball? or was it dog? she used to eat anything and everything i put in front of her, so when did she stop liking broccoli? i'm really not sure because i've never been good at keeping records of those kind of things.

but one thing i do remember as vividly as if it were yesterday was the moment i met her for the very 1st time. when the doctor laid her on my chest and i looked down at her tiny little face, i remember thinking, "omg. she's perfect." and she truly was perfect - in the way that only a mere-seconds-old baby can be. and then came the incessant crying, the breastfeeding issues, the sleepless nights, and a multitude of other struggles that are so common in parenting a newborn but nonetheless so demoralizing. you know, those moments that you feel like all your baby does is take take take all.the.time. and you understand why they make you watch that shaken baby syndrome video before you leave the hospital. 

you quickly learn that your precious little one isn't so perfect after all. she's actually quite a pain in the butt by most standards. but amazingly enough, you love her anyways. and as she grows and becomes her own little person, gaining more and more imperfections along the way, you love her even more. you learn the true definition of unconditional love. and you don't need a blog or baby book to remind you of that. i wake up every single day in awe of it.

but i do want to get better at capturing those little moments. because i never want to forget how sweetly and genuinely she kisses me on the lips when we get to the part in the barney song that goes "with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you". or how proud i was that she could recite the entire alphabet at 19 months. or how funny it is that she tells me "bye bye omma, see you tomorrow!" even if i'm just leaving the room for a few minutes.

with another little one on the way, i know it will be even more difficult to make time to blog, take pictures, relish the small things. but i am going to make a wholehearted attempt. stay tuned!

spilling the beans

last week i finally spilled the beans about my pregnancy to my boss and co-workers. no one even feigned surprise. i wonder what gave me away. could it have been the frumpy clothes that i've been wearing in futile attempts to hide my already enormous belly? or maybe the all-day snacking? the frequent trips to the bathroom? the nice shade of green on my face from the constant nausea?

i didn't want to tell everyone until everything checked out okay with my OB. but my original appointment got canceled because she was stuck in a delivery. on the morning of my rescheduled OB appointment, i had a one-on-one with my boss, which presented me with the perfect opportunity to give her the news: "i'm pregnant... with TWINS!" like i said, the 1st part came as no surprise to anybody. but TWINS!? that was a surprise.

i know the rule of thumb is to not make your pregnancy public knowledge until after you're out of the "danger zone", aka 1st trimester. but at that point, i was almost 12 weeks, and had already had 2 ultrasounds with my RE. there was some concern at my 1st u/s because baby B was measuring behind and had a slightly enlarged yolk sac. but we were reassured by the 2nd u/s at 8 1/2 weeks that showed that both babies were growing at the same rate and had good, strong heartbeats. my nausea was still pretty bad - much worse than when i was pregnant with Mags. but i considered it a good sign - attributed it to the fact that i was carrying 2 (double the hormones). overall, i was feeling very positive and hopeful. i saw no reason to conceal my pregnancy any longer.

so imagine how blindsided i was later that afternoon when the u/s at my OB's office revealed that baby B did not make it. it was clear to me as soon as the u/s came onto the screen. but my OB did not divulge the info right away, wisely choosing to first focus on baby A, who appeared to be doing great. i could tell chad hadn't seen what i saw: baby B was much smaller than baby A and there was no flashing of its heartbeat. but while my OB focused on baby A, pointing out its organs, fingers, toes, etc., i somewhat managed to convince myself that maybe it was the angle or position of the u/s wand that had caused me to jump to bad conclusions. i allowed myself the teensiest bit of hope. however, as my OB shifted the focus to baby B, i knew the final verdict even before she muttered a single word. and i was crushed. chad was devastated as well. the life we had begun to picture as a family of five came tumbling down. suddenly, four seemed so small.

this isn't my 1st miscarriage, but it feels completely different from my other one. with that one, i was allowed to mourn. i took a couple days off work, i cried for weeks, people felt sorry for me and i was allowed to feel sorry for myself. it had taken me a year to get pregnant that time (and then another year to get pregnant again with Maggie). this time, i probably won't even experience the loss physically - supposedly baby B will just "vanish". obviously, i'm still pregnant. i still have one blessing on the way. maybe that's why people seem to be discounting my loss. i guess i can't blame them. even i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel.

i'm trying very hard to focus on the positives, but i keep thinking about the moment we 1st found out we were having twins. one of my very first thoughts about having 3 under the age of 2 was, "NOOOOOO.... MINIVAN!" now i desperately wish i still had a need for a minivan.

being a perfectionist means you'll never be perfect

i know there are many people who would love to be in my shoes (and i have a lot). i have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a supportive family, a nice house, a great job. money is not an issue because we make enough of it and we live below our means. i'm young(ish), smart and healthy. life is good, right? right!? but i constantly find myself feeling dissatisfied. chad says that i'm a total pessimist who manages to find the negative in every situation. doesn't sound like a very nice thing to say to your wife. but i suppose i can't fault him for being honest.

one of my problems is that i'm a perfectionist. i used to think that this was one of those traits that you pretend is a fault but is really an asset. you know, like the kind of answer you give to that standard interview question? but i've come to realize that it's just an excuse to not be happy with what you are / what you have.

i recently came across this post on the subject on penelope trunk's blog. most of what she writes resonates with me as a woman trying to juggle a family and a career, and this post was no different. it struck a chord on a personal note as well. i found these four observations to be very insightful:

• Perfectionists procrastinate because they're scared of not being perfect.
• Perfectionists are hypercritical to the point that they can't support people around them.
• Perfectionists can't finish a project because they can always think of a way to improve it.
• Perfectionists are phony, because no one's perfect and they can't handle showing that in themselves.

but identifying your flaws is the easy part. changing your entire outlook on life, even if it is for the better, is not so easy.

reflection

i've been a momma for just over a over a year now, and not only did i survive - i thrived! it certainly wasn't easy - there was never enough time, never enough sleep, and barely enough patience. (hence the delinquency in blog updates). we gave up nights out on the town, dinner at fancy restaurants and exotic vacations for 7:30 bedtimes, takeout food and trips to the playground. but we also gained toothy grins, sloppy kisses, the warmest snuggles, the thrill of first words, first steps, and laughter so pure that it makes your heart smile. in short, the past year was [an] amazing [blur]. 

i wish i would have taken the time to blog about her 1st birthday and the milestones leading up to it. in true hannah fashion, i stressed for weeks about the event. i poured over every single detail - guest list, food, decorations, her clothes, party favors, etc. and the one thing i couldn't control got me - it turned out to be the hottest weekend of the entire summer - 95 degrees + 90% humidity. awesome. but despite the backyard sauna, everybody had a wonderful time. we were so lucky to have so many friends and family who wanted to share in maggie's celebration. she had two parties over two days involving over 120 guests. i won't bore you with all the pics since they are all posted to my flickr site. but here is my favorite shot of the three of us from that day.

 

sometimes robots are good

chad is on a business trip this week, and yesterday morning i got this message from him in regards to the bean:

"i actually missed her last night. weird."

you probably think it's weird that he thinks it's weird to miss his kid while away from home. that's because you might not know my hubby very well. the running joke is that he's an emotional robot. but that sounds worse than it actually is. chad's brain works very rationally. he doesn't harp over things he cannot control. he doesn't drive himself crazy with what-ifs. he doesn't hold grudges. he doesn't let emotions get in the way of making sound decisions. (now you understand why being an emotional robot isn't necessarily a bad thing?)

but an extension of all this is that he doesn't typically "waste" time missing people in the traditional sense. he doesn't dwell on a day or two or three spent away from home - although he might get that longing a typical husband gets to see his wife if it were a week or more. his logic is that he will get to see us soon enough, and we have the rest of our lives to spend together. it doesn't bother me. i'm the same way (minus the harping, driving myself crazy and making sound decisions). okay, so i'm really not the same in that respect. but now that i've gotten used to it... he tells me he misses maggie less than 24 hours after he last saw her?! that's just craziness! it appears that our little girl has melted that stone, cold heart of his. haha. but all kidding aside, i'm not actually surprised. because when i say he's emotionless, i'm mostly referring to the self-destructive ones: jealousy, bitterness, neuroticism, skepticism. (however, he's not perfect - he has more than his fair share of ego!).

anyway, what i'm trying to say is that he is a wonderful father. there is no lack of love, integrity, dedication, and awe-inspiring patience. i've heard a lot of moms of infants (and even older kids) complain that their husbands are not involved enough. so i know that maggie and i are incredibly fortunate to have chad as a daddy and husband. he has been there 100% every step of the way. he is just as capable (if not more) as a parent than i am. he may not adhere to the nap schedule to the nano second like i do, but no one else can evoke bigger smiles and louder squeals of joy from maggie. she adores him. and i'm sure she actually misses him, too.

people first

i scored a DVF dress on rue la la yesterday. even on discount, it's the first decent item of clothing that i've bought in a very long time. and by decent i mean something not off the clearance rack at the gap. this is saying a lot given that there once was a time when i spent way more money on clothing than on rent. but times have changed. last weekend, i contemplated a $24 mascara purchase at sephora for nearly a half hour.

 

i think my priorities have taken a major shift overall. i am much less materialistic than i used to be. probably partly due to becoming a parent. but the real eye-opener has been the horrific economy. it's not just something talked about in the media. i feel the stress of it in my life almost every single day. in the past several months i've watched our retirement and investments dwindle down to half their previous values. and even worse, i've seen many of my friends and colleagues lose their jobs. my company has laid off 20% to date. my old company laid off 200 people earler in the month. and today another retailer headquartered in columbus laid off 400 people. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

 

chad's and my jobs are relatively secure. but "relatively secure" in this economy isn't totally comforting. which is probably why i have this intense unpatriotic urge to hoarde all of our money. judging by the consumer confidence index, i am obviously not alone. i know the economy will eventually bounce back. but i think my attitude towards money and "things" will be forever changed. this is not necessarily a bad thing. i've been watching suze orman lately, and as she says, "people first, then money, then things".

february already?!

it's been a long time since i last posted. the rest of winter after the holidays usually drags on and on (and on) until spring. but this year, january - and already half of february! - went by in a blur. work has been really busy, which is good i suppose. given the horrendous state of the economy, i know that should feel grateful to have a secure job (much less one that i enjoy very much). but it often leaves me with little energy for much else. i'm starting to feel all work and no play. it kinda sucks.

mags turned six months on monday. i know it is cliche to say this, but seriously, i can't believe my baby is six months already. half a year old. it makes me proud and sad at the same time. she's amazing - so smart, funny, strong. she is not crawling yet, but wants to be mobile very badly. she somehow manages to scoot herself several feet across the floor, but not entirely sure how, as she only does it when we're not watching. she is starting to babble more, but mostly she screams. i'm talking high decibel, ear-piercing, banshee screams. she screams when she's happy, when she's mad, when she's just bored. she silenced an entire room full of adults AND kids at COSI with one of her screams. i'm sure she will be using this talent for evil one day very soon (imagining it accompanied by body flailing). but for now it's cute.

she started solids a few weeks ago and she's a great eater. she likes carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, butternut squash, applesauce, parsnip. she was so-so on bananas. and pears are her absolutely favorite. i'm making all of her food and it's been pretty easy and fun. although chad complains that i make gourmet organic meals for the bean and feed him frozen pizza. but isn't that what being a parent is all about? you put the needs of your child before your own (and your spouse's).

actually, i wish i was around to do more. the reality is that she spends most of her waking hours with neither parent. but we are lucky to have a wonderful nanny. maggie absolutely adores her. i thought that i might become jealous, but i'm not. i am so relieved and happy that we've found somebody who takes such good care of our baby. and she does a really good job at helping me stay connected. i love it that she sends me stuff like this during the day:

mommy guilt

when chad and i became parents, we agreed that we would make some major priority shifts in our lives. chiefly, we would start putting family first - work second. for chad, this new work/life balance means limiting travel to just a couple times a month, getting into the office by 7:00 so he can feel comfortable with leaving at 5:15 everyday, and no weekends. so how is this new schedule working out for him? well, this week he left for a business trip on sunday afternoon, returned on tuesday evening at 6:00, and last night he had a work dinner and didn't get home until almost 9:00. hmph. definitely not compliant with the family first policy.

 

but i have to be fair here. he is not the only culprit. i've been back to work for almost 3 weeks now, and while my new work/life balance schedule originally had me leaving for work at 8:15 and coming home at 6:00 (i have a 1/2 hour commute each way), i've been cheating. my mom has been staying with us for the past few weeks so i've been able to tack on an extra 30-45 minutes on either end without worrying about someone being home for the baby. my excuse is that so much changed while i was on maternity leave - the company laid off over 100 people, i have a new boss, and a new boss's boss, and my job responsibilities have changed pretty dramatically. there is a lot to catch up on.

 

but no excuse makes me feel any less guilty. i feel guilty that for the past 3 weeks i haven't been the one soothing maggie back to sleep when she wakes up in the middle of the night (my mom has). i feel guilty that i sometimes sleep in an extra 15 minutes instead of waking up to play with her in the morning, especially since early morning is when she's the happiest. i feel guilty that when i get home from work i try to keep her up even though she is sleepy. i feel guilty that sometimes i'd rather just veg out in front of the tv than give her a bath. i feel guilty that i hate pumping. i feel guilty that i haven't been taking pictures of her everyday or even every week. i feel guilty that i haven't been updating this blog with all of her milestones.

 

does daddy guilt exist? i don't think so. i feel guilty that that makes me feel bitter.

change for the better

i'm good at a lot of things (a-google-izing, planning vacations, managing money). but i wasn't certain that motherhood would be one of them. i was really never the maternal type: too impatient, too self-absorbed, low tolerance for disorder, not very sentimental. but you know what? i've come to discover that i'm a pretty good mom afterall. i guess it helps that i have such an incredibly cute and lovable baby (objectively speaking of course). it's amazing how one precious, obliviously needy, teeny tiny person can change your entire being in so many fascinating ways.

i ungrudgingly function on just four hours of sleep each day. i don't care that none of my designer jeans fit anymore. going to the mall results in new outfits for bean but nothing for myself. i turned down a day at the spa because i'd rather spend the time cuddling with a sleeping (or even crying!) baby. being a successful career woman suddenly seems unimportant. ONE LITTLE SMILE CAN MAKE MY ENTIRE DAY.