ibbunee.com

sad again

i don't know what the standard period of mourning is for the death of a pet, but i've probably exceeded what's considered socially acceptable. i was an emotional wreck over it for too long. but it must be true what they say: time heals all wounds. without really realizing it, i had begun feeling less and less sad with each passing day.

then yesterday, two things happened that set me back a week or two.

one: chad went on his first business trip since henry died. which meant leaving me home all alone overnight for the first time ever in three years. in the past, when chad was traveling, i would secretly let henry up on our big green chair (he wasn't normally allowed on the furniture), and we would snuggle and watch trashy realty tv together. last night i just went to bed early.

two: i found out that chad's company is sponsoring some capital area humane society event, and in conjunction is BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY. can you believe it? they are allowing their employees to bring their pets to the office on friday. henry would have absolutely loved to go to work with chad. and it would have been so awesome for chad, too. he reveled in showing off henry's impressive repertoire of deaf dog tricks. plus, i'm sure henry would have been a great worker. just look at how helpful he had been with the laundry....

this will be my last post about H's tragedy

some people have noticed that i altered my original april 3rd post about the incident at the daycare and subsequent veterinary care. i regret that my post, which started out as open and candid (yes, also very emotional and definitely not unbiased), was edited down to something that i now feel is disingenuous. the truth is that we needed financial help to pay for henry's medical care, and we got it - but not without strings attached. i can live with the fact that i acquiesced to retracting statements that i made that may not have been accurate or fair anyways. but what's eating away at me, what's keeping me awake at night is that with that i also relinquished any opportunity i had to get answers to the many questions and concerns i had (still have) about what really happened that day.

i know that what i'm writing may be somewhat cryptic and nonsensical. but i just had to get these thoughts off my chest. i need to be able to sleep again. and then i promise i will move on. i will eat and sleep and be healthy again for the baby.

so sad that bean will never know H-dog

but life goes on. i am married to the most amazing person who is the love of my life and we are expecting our 1st child together in approximately 19 weeks. there is still so much look forward to...

21 weeks

remembering good times

i didn't have pets when i was growing up so i never really understood how animals, especially dogs, could become part of the family. not until chad and i got henry. he was the first big commitment we made together as a married couple (other than the wedding itself). we got him not long after returning from our honeymoon, and he's been our "baby" ever since. i guess it's a bond that only true dog-lovers can really comprehend. and judging from the outpouring of support that we've gotten, there are a lot of us out there. it makes me feel good that other people understand how i could spend so much money on and shed so many tears for a dog. it's nice to know that i'm not a total freak.

they are giving us henry's ashes later this week. without even talking about it first, chad and i each came up with the exact same plans for the remains. we are going to take H camping one last time. he loved loved loved going camping with us. i mean, what's not to love? being outdoors, hiking through the woods, running around the campfire, picking up dropped food from under the picnic table, sleeping in the tent snuggled between us on a down blanket, and his favorite - swimming. so next weekend we are going down to salt fork lake to scatter his ashes. that was where the three of us last went camping.

here are some pictures from the trip.

goodbye

henry was put to sleep yesterday afternoon.

when i went to see him and talk to the doc on friday afternoon it became obvious that i had been overly optimistic about the whole 24 hour thing. he was as stable as could be expected on the ventilator, but in no state to come off of it anytime soon. there was slight progress in that the oxygen levels in his blood had gone up. but a considerable amount of concern about the inflammation and bloody fluid that was being suctioned out of his lungs. the doc now felt that there was sustained damage that was being done to H's respiratory system, but no way to determine yet exactly how much and what that would mean for his long term quality of life if he were to survive. i asked if that just meant H wouldn't be running marathons or if that meant he would huff and puff just to walk to his water dish. doc couldn't say. i asked if they were giving up on H. his answer was absolutely not. BUT he made it clear that he believed H would eventually die, and he needed to bring up the other option that remained. he reminded me that we could choose to stop H's treatment at any time and he would support our decision. i asked what that would entail - if it would mean just taking H off the ventilator and letting him go or if we would have to actively put him down. he said the humane thing to do in that case would be to euthanize. i lost it. i couldn't bear the thought of killing him, but i knew we had to seriously consider it.

but at that point we weren't ready yet. i was still holding onto the chance, no matter how minute, that he could get better. so even up until yesterday morning we had every intention of at the very least keeping H on the ventilator until monday morning (assuming he wouldn't give up on his own). it didn't help me sleep better that night, though. i wasn't sure if we were doing the right thing.

although it felt like we had been in one long nightmare since wednesday, yesterday must have really been a new day. it was the first in which we were in any kind of mind state to even think about that other option. and once we started thinking about it we couldn't stop. however, neither one of us wanted to be the one to pull the trigger. so we waited and waited and waited. the internist who was caring for H over the weekend called at about 1pm. H was holding on but not getting better. we had a long conversation with the doc, desperately making one last ditch effort to see some glimmer of hope. but there was none.

we went and saw H to say goodbye. but it's too painful for me to write about right now.

afterwards we didn't want to come home. everything in our house reminds us of H. everything in our neighborhood reminds us of him, too. so we went all the way across town to hit golf balls. then we went to dinner. and then we went to chad's mom's house. then there wasn't anywhere else left to go. so we had to come home. to an empty house. and i felt so lonely walking through that door.

24

i can't sleep because i keep expecting to be awakened by the dreaded call from medvet telling me that henry didn't make it. for every hour that goes by in silence i breathe one more sigh of relief because that means that he has lived another hour and his chances of pulling through have improved a tiny bit.

things took turn for the worse since i last posted. H's condition had deteriorated throughout the day, and the internist called me at work at around 4:15 to ask me if i could come right away. i was actually already on my way out the door to see him. i made it there in record time despite driving half-blinded by tears. chad met me there and we braced ourselves for the bad news yet still holding on to a sliver of hope.

within a 3 hour span, H's prognosis had gone from "guarded" to dire. his poor body was rapidly becoming exhausted with the mere act of breathing. and what strength he had left was going towards fighting the infection in his lungs. so we were presented with three options: 1/ do nothing and let him continue to wear his body out. 2/ put him on a ventilator. 3/ put him down. option #3 was not really an option in our minds. option #1 would eventually result in the same final outcome as #3. so option #2 it was.

but it wasn't an obviously easy decision to make. the thought occurred to me that maybe i was just being selfish, and that it was time to let go. but those thougths were erased from my mind as soon as we went back to see him. poor guy was so weak and battered, but as soon as he saw us his little nub started wagging and i knew he was so happy to see us. he was laboring so hard to breathe yet he mustered up enough energy to nudge his body over to the little window in the oxygen tank so that he could nuzzle against our hands. i knew he wanted to live so that he could come home with us. and i could see just how hard he was fighting. his entire body lurched with each passage of air through his half-functioning lung. it made me so so tired just watching it. i hate to imagine what it was like for him to have labored like that for an entire day.

he deserved to rest. and that was what the ventilator could provide for him. the doc did not delude us into believing this would make everything better. the fact is: most dogs will die on the ventilator. but he did say that this was H's best shot for survival. a 20% chance. but the thing that sealed the deal for us was that if he made it through the next 24 hours, he could be on his way to a full recovery. we are not talking about a dog who has cancer or some other terminal illness or one that is already 10 years old - we are talking about a 3 yr old dog who was perfectly healthy less than 2 days ago and who has a lot of life ahead of him if he can just survive for one more day. so this is how we came to the decision to put H on life support. in a lot of aspects it sounds ludicrous even to me. but the reality is that i wish i could do more.

but all i can do is wait. watch the clock tick and hope H holds on for at least 15 more hours to complete the 24.

just a dog?

last year my mother-in-law spent an exorbitant amount of money on hip surgery for one of her dogs. more money than what seemed reasonable to spend on fixing a dog - it's just a dog afterall. since we have a very adorable, beloved dog of our own, that of course got us speculating on how much we would spend on henry if put in such a situation. $1000? "probably". $2000? "eehhhh... maaaybe". $3000? "hmmm... let's just buy a new dog". this was all said in jest of course (kinda). we never really expected to be faced with the dilemma.

well last night we found out the real answer:
Q: $3000?
A: hell yeah. do whatever you need to do to keep this dog alive.

we had to take henry to the pet ER yesterday evening, and he spent the night in the ICU - in an oxygen chamber, hooked up to IV fluids and a catheter. today i am told that he is still in critical condition and needs to remain in the hospital for at least another two days. total bill so far = $2500 and climbing. but i can't even think about the money right now.

i dropped H off at daycare like i do every wednesday morning and normally chad would have picked him up in the evening after work. H would have been tired but happy - enough energy spent as to not drive us crazy for the next day or two. but something went terribly awry yesterday. H ended up in a vicious fight involving several dogs. i have been told somewhat conflicting stories on what actually happened, but it seems like a moot point now whether or not H actually instigated it.

i was called at work immediately after it happened and i consented to treatment. obviously a dog fight is serious and scary, but i was comfortable enough with allowing the vet to care for him without my being there and waiting until after work to pick him up. but i have to say that i was not prepared for the condition he was in when i finally got there. he had multiple bite wounds on his neck and legs, including a large gash that had to be stitched, a lacerated ear that had been bandaged to his head, in an e-collar, drugged up on morphine and sedatives, was struggling to breath and had blood-tinged fluids dripping from his nose. he looked much worse than what i was expecting.

i just wanted to get H home and comfortable. however, i quickly learned that H's condition was not good. he could barely walk let alone climb into my car. so my pregnant ass had to dead lift his 75 lb body into my backseat, while trying very hard not to disturb any of his injuries. i had to make sure chad was on his way home from work because i didn't think i could get H into the house on my own. so i waited with H in the car in the garage. my heart breaking into pieces, watching his condition rapidly deteriorating and not being able to do anything to help him. although he was barely conscious, his entire body heaved with each breath as if he couldn't get enough air.

fortunately chad arrived about ten minutes later. "holy shit" was his initial reaction. by then the bandage around H's head was slipping away from his ear, and we could see just how bad the tear was. it looked so awful that i had to turn my head away so i wouldn't vomit. at that point, we decided we needed someone to do something more for him.

we went straight to medvet, where they have 24 hr pet emergency services and the most awesome, skilled, dedicated doctors and nurses. they took one look at henry and rushed him into ICU. apparently the external wounds were the least of his problems. the ER doc was extremely concerned about his compromised breathing and poor coloring, and upon further investigation discovered that his entire right lung was filled with fluid. the diagnosis: aspiration pneumonia. probable cause: inhalation of vomit while under heavy sedation. i am still unclear as to how the vet could have missed that this happened.

we were blindsided. we had gone there fully expecting them to bandage H up and send him home. so then to be told that he had a life threatening infection in his lungs that would require serious medical attention and multiple days in the ICU??? it shocked us to the point that we had to think that maybe they were just being overly precautious. but the ER doc was so grave and very frank with us - there is a very good possibility that H will not make it. but i just cannot let myself think about that right now. i love that dog. he means more to me than even i thought possible and i would be absolutely crushed if he died.

please please please let him be okay.

henry houdini

on sunday nights we go to our neighbor's house for dinner. it's a big party that consists of 4 other families, including their grown children and significant others. total attendance is between 15 and 20 every week, and that's not counting the dogs. when the weather was warm, we would cook and eat outside, and the dogs were allowed to run around the yard and try to steal stuff off people's plates. but now that it's gotten cold out we've had to move the festivities indoors, and uninvite the dogs.

last sunday henry was so mad that we left him behind, depriving him of all the crumbs that would inevitably be dropped on the floor just waiting to be licked up. even from our neighbor's house we could hear him barking and scratching at the door incessantly, demanding to be let out. so in an attempt to appease him, we took over two of his friends, delilah the golden retriever and duke the lab mix, to play in our fenced in yard, segregated from the humans.

all was well for the first hour or so. but then we heard a cacophony of barks and growls. i peeked outside and from our neighbor's back stoop i could see henry SITTING ON TOP OF OUR GRILL. presumably he picked this perch, the highest point in our yard, so that he could gaze beyond the fence. the other two dogs were barking at him to get down. i saw him see me before i could slip back into the house. he hopped off his throne, sprinted across the yard and jumped right at the fence with a hard thud. that dumbass actually seemed to think that he might be able to get through the fence.

thinking that he would eventually settle down and go back to playing with the other dogs, i went back inside, where they were popping open the 4th bottle of wine for the evening. one glass of pinot noir later, i was noticing that the barking from next door was becoming more frenzied, when i heard someone exclaim, "um... there's a white dog at the door". haha very funny. "no... really... henry is outside." everyone looked towards the backdoor and there was a collective gasp. yep, there he was.

chad ran over to our yard, thinking that one of the gates must have been left opened by accident. but he found that all three were latched shut, and delilah and duke were still in the yard. unless he opened the gate, and then shut it behind him before the other two dogs could follow him out, the only way for henry to have escaped was to jump over the fence. people, this is not some quaint little picket fence. this is a solid cedar privacy fence that stands over five feet high. there is a board that runs horizontally across each interior section, but it is only an inch wide and is 2/3 the way up the fence, so it is still quite unbelievable that any dog could scale it. anyways, i guess we'll be putting up some barbed wire. makes me wonder... who's the dumbass now?

so i married a geek

i can't claim ignorance because i knew what i was getting into from the onset. from the first day we met, chad has never bothered to camouflage his geekiness. in fact, he wears it like a badge of honor. and i have to admit that i find it quite endearing (kind of in the same way i find the dog's snoring endearing).

during the height of his geekdom, chad owned no less than eight working computers (that he built himself), attended "LAN parties" on a very regular basis (sometimes held at the local denny's at 1am) and read big fat programming books for leisure. he still does all of these things, but on a smaller scale. it's cool, though, because i get to learn something new and geeky almost every single day.

today i was introduced to the world of "x10". recently, chad's friend, william - who is also a geek (they tend to band together) - suggested that we set up an x10 alert that will let you know from inside the house if the garage door is up or down. apparently william was thinking about this during his downtime. me personally, i would have been satisfied with looking out the back door with my own eyes to check if the door was up or down. but i guess that's the kind of banal thinking you would expect from a former high school cheerleader. anyways, chad took the idea even further, adding that it would also be nice to know if the doors are locked and if the dog is in his cage.

and then, he got really excited about the infinite possibilities...

William: you would be amazed what all you can do. I was reading an article where the dog door would only unlock for their dog

Chad: you know what i was just thinking.. it would be nice to let the dog out from work. we were talking about having a dog door on the side of the house where the door leads to the basement. but would be also cool if we had webcams set up and could lock and unlock the dog door :-) and signal him with a flashing light if the door was unlocked. train him.

Hannah: wait. what's an x10?

Chad: its a system you can use to 'automate' your house.

Hannah: is that what the jetsons had?

Chad: you buy little gadgets that control lights, your thermostat, tell you when doors are open or closed etc. and they all feed in to your pc and you can control from there or over the web. people do all kinds of cool stuff with it

Hannah: uh

Chad: geeky

Hannah: like spy on their spouses? in the shower?

Chad: :-) no that's just webcam hehe

Chad: you know how the cool kids on fast and furious did all that shit to their cars
ground effects body kits etc? this is what geeks do to their houses

Hannah: oh. how about you work on the doorbell first (our doorbell doesn't work). i think that's the best way to know if someone is at your door. or is that too low tech for you?

Chad: ah nice. so it can be wireless or the signals are just sent through the powerlines. no i think we need a trap door with face recognition cameras that cross references the sexual predator database so if a bad guy comes to the door, the system automatically traps the person in haha

Hannah: OMG what??? why would i want a sexual predator trapped in my house?

Chad: no it would be cordoned off to a section of the basement.

Hannah: you know this conversation is total blogworthy

Chad: oh shit

Hannah: and you're going to come out looking like uber geek

Chad: i have to get back to work

so i read this wikipedia entry on x10 ... and i still don't really get it. what i want to know is, will it cook dinner?

will barter fence for shoes

he now has an entire fenced-in yard in which to frolic to his heart's content, yet he chooses to sit at the backdoor looking pathetic and abandoned. judging from his accusatory stare through the window you'd think i had banished him to the depths of hell. it is when i finally give in and open the door that he runs out into the yard and wants to play. i quickly realize that it is not that he wants to come inside. he wants me to come outside. but that defeats the purpose of the fence so i stand my ground. i shut the door, leaving him out there. when he figures out that merely looking at me through the window will not break me, he starts scratching at the door. i give in again and open the door to let him in. and again he runs out into the yard, inviting me to come play. i shut the door again. this happens several times and i feel like a fool. i decide to just ignore him. a few minutes later i notice that he's no longer at the door. yes! success! he must be finally enjoying himself - playing with one of his many toys or bones out in the yard. then a few more minutes later... "scratch scratch scratch, wimper". and there he is at the door again - this time with mud caked all over his face. i am so livid. this continues all week and now he's not allowed outside by himself. now he sits inside the backdoor and gazes longingly at the fenced-in yard.

if his brain weren’t the size of a pea... and if i knew how to say this in doggy sign language... and if i were a delusional person who actually talked to her dog, i would grab him by his shoulders, give him several hard shakes, and say to him, “you ungrateful little shit. do you know how many pairs of christian louboutins i had to give up just so you could have this fence?!?”