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weekly goal

the above photo was taken nearly 3 months ago on halloween 2010, yet it's the most recent and one of the very few photos i have of me with both of my kids. partly because i'm usually the one behind the camera. but also because i haven't found made time lately to take many photos at all, which makes me sad given that i have two of the most gorgeous subjects that any photographer could ever ask for (in my humble opinion). and even sadder still is the fact that they've changed and grown so much in these past months, and i allowed the those special moments to drift away largely undocumented. enter my new allegiance to this blog.

i don't expect to go from zero to 100 overnight. so i'm starting with a relatively small goal: at least one photo and one post each week. this one counts for this week ;)

oh, and i should get extra points for finally completing the about section of this blog (only 3 years after its inception).

mother of the year

the scene: 8:00 last night. chad had just left to meet up with some friends after helping me get the kids fed, bathed and to bed. ahhh... quiet house to myself. i get to relish it for maybe 5 minutes before i hear a door open, a door slam and the pitter patter of little feet across the hallway to the top of the stairs:

Mags: hey! i pooped! change my diaper! DaaaDaaa! (wait) mommy!? (wait)
Me: (sigh) okay. i'm coming.
Mags: where's daddy?
Me: he went out with friends.
Mags: why? (her default response to everything lately)
Me: to have fun.
Mags: why? why you didn't go, mama?
Me: because if i went too, who would be here to change your diaper? gabe?
Mags (giggling): NOOOOO! he's a baby. he can't change my diaper!
then after taking a minute to think about it she adds: "when he gets bigger he change my diaper".

um... right. just another reminder of my recent failures as a mother. i have no doubt that my precocious 27-month old is totally ready to be potty trained (probably has been for months), and the onus is on me (and chad). but my excuses are: i work a full-time job outside of the home, i also have a 3-month old, i am operating on 3-5 hours of sleep/day... and well, i suck as a mom sometimes. i kid (kinda). but i'm going to stop complaining now. because even if my kid outgrows the largest sized diaper before i ever get around to potty training her, there's always depends. and i still have the smartest, cutest, most lovable kids a parent could ever wish for.

by the way, notice my last post before this was in MAY??? another piece of supporting evidence as to why i suck as a mom sometimes. until now, i haven't even blogged about the existence of my 2nd child! but i've taken pictures! (although many less than what i had taken of maggie at this age). see flickr stream to the right.

where did my baby go?

not the best picture (it was taken on my phone), but it captures the essence of my little kid on that bright spring day. i deliberately say "kid" because there's no doubt that is what she is now - no longer my "baby". just look at her... sitting there, intensely checking out the scene in front of her. not sure if you can see it like i do, but there is a fierce independence behind those big brown eyes, an overabundance of attitude pouring out of that body, and so much going on inside that pretty little head.

right after she finished that smoothie, she eagerly ran out onto the playground but still stood back on the fringes a bit until she had decided on whom and what she wanted to play with. when it comes to physical play, she's fearless. no step is too tall, no slide is too steep, no swing can go high enough. when it comes to other kids, she's a little shy at first. but it doesn't take long until she's telling you like it is. there was a much bigger boy - probably 3-4 years old - who intentionally stepped on her hand while she was climbing up a ladder. my brave girl, she looked him right in the eye, wagged her finger in his face and said, "no kicking! that's not nice!" i had to stifle a laugh.

with this new little one on the way, i sometimes worry that he will be constantly overshadowed by his big sister's exuberance and precociousness. but then again, i also worry that he will be equally, or even more, so! hmm... maybe having a more mild-mannered, low-maintenance child won't be so bad!

the small things

maggie is almost 21 months old, and i regret not keeping up with this blog during this time. i wish i were one of those mommas who meticulously records every milestone. i think she started crawling at around 6 months, walking at 10 months, her first word other than dada and omma was ball? or was it dog? she used to eat anything and everything i put in front of her, so when did she stop liking broccoli? i'm really not sure because i've never been good at keeping records of those kind of things.

but one thing i do remember as vividly as if it were yesterday was the moment i met her for the very 1st time. when the doctor laid her on my chest and i looked down at her tiny little face, i remember thinking, "omg. she's perfect." and she truly was perfect - in the way that only a mere-seconds-old baby can be. and then came the incessant crying, the breastfeeding issues, the sleepless nights, and a multitude of other struggles that are so common in parenting a newborn but nonetheless so demoralizing. you know, those moments that you feel like all your baby does is take take take all.the.time. and you understand why they make you watch that shaken baby syndrome video before you leave the hospital. 

you quickly learn that your precious little one isn't so perfect after all. she's actually quite a pain in the butt by most standards. but amazingly enough, you love her anyways. and as she grows and becomes her own little person, gaining more and more imperfections along the way, you love her even more. you learn the true definition of unconditional love. and you don't need a blog or baby book to remind you of that. i wake up every single day in awe of it.

but i do want to get better at capturing those little moments. because i never want to forget how sweetly and genuinely she kisses me on the lips when we get to the part in the barney song that goes "with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you". or how proud i was that she could recite the entire alphabet at 19 months. or how funny it is that she tells me "bye bye omma, see you tomorrow!" even if i'm just leaving the room for a few minutes.

with another little one on the way, i know it will be even more difficult to make time to blog, take pictures, relish the small things. but i am going to make a wholehearted attempt. stay tuned!

spilling the beans

last week i finally spilled the beans about my pregnancy to my boss and co-workers. no one even feigned surprise. i wonder what gave me away. could it have been the frumpy clothes that i've been wearing in futile attempts to hide my already enormous belly? or maybe the all-day snacking? the frequent trips to the bathroom? the nice shade of green on my face from the constant nausea?

i didn't want to tell everyone until everything checked out okay with my OB. but my original appointment got canceled because she was stuck in a delivery. on the morning of my rescheduled OB appointment, i had a one-on-one with my boss, which presented me with the perfect opportunity to give her the news: "i'm pregnant... with TWINS!" like i said, the 1st part came as no surprise to anybody. but TWINS!? that was a surprise.

i know the rule of thumb is to not make your pregnancy public knowledge until after you're out of the "danger zone", aka 1st trimester. but at that point, i was almost 12 weeks, and had already had 2 ultrasounds with my RE. there was some concern at my 1st u/s because baby B was measuring behind and had a slightly enlarged yolk sac. but we were reassured by the 2nd u/s at 8 1/2 weeks that showed that both babies were growing at the same rate and had good, strong heartbeats. my nausea was still pretty bad - much worse than when i was pregnant with Mags. but i considered it a good sign - attributed it to the fact that i was carrying 2 (double the hormones). overall, i was feeling very positive and hopeful. i saw no reason to conceal my pregnancy any longer.

so imagine how blindsided i was later that afternoon when the u/s at my OB's office revealed that baby B did not make it. it was clear to me as soon as the u/s came onto the screen. but my OB did not divulge the info right away, wisely choosing to first focus on baby A, who appeared to be doing great. i could tell chad hadn't seen what i saw: baby B was much smaller than baby A and there was no flashing of its heartbeat. but while my OB focused on baby A, pointing out its organs, fingers, toes, etc., i somewhat managed to convince myself that maybe it was the angle or position of the u/s wand that had caused me to jump to bad conclusions. i allowed myself the teensiest bit of hope. however, as my OB shifted the focus to baby B, i knew the final verdict even before she muttered a single word. and i was crushed. chad was devastated as well. the life we had begun to picture as a family of five came tumbling down. suddenly, four seemed so small.

this isn't my 1st miscarriage, but it feels completely different from my other one. with that one, i was allowed to mourn. i took a couple days off work, i cried for weeks, people felt sorry for me and i was allowed to feel sorry for myself. it had taken me a year to get pregnant that time (and then another year to get pregnant again with Maggie). this time, i probably won't even experience the loss physically - supposedly baby B will just "vanish". obviously, i'm still pregnant. i still have one blessing on the way. maybe that's why people seem to be discounting my loss. i guess i can't blame them. even i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel.

i'm trying very hard to focus on the positives, but i keep thinking about the moment we 1st found out we were having twins. one of my very first thoughts about having 3 under the age of 2 was, "NOOOOOO.... MINIVAN!" now i desperately wish i still had a need for a minivan.

being a perfectionist means you'll never be perfect

i know there are many people who would love to be in my shoes (and i have a lot). i have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a supportive family, a nice house, a great job. money is not an issue because we make enough of it and we live below our means. i'm young(ish), smart and healthy. life is good, right? right!? but i constantly find myself feeling dissatisfied. chad says that i'm a total pessimist who manages to find the negative in every situation. doesn't sound like a very nice thing to say to your wife. but i suppose i can't fault him for being honest.

one of my problems is that i'm a perfectionist. i used to think that this was one of those traits that you pretend is a fault but is really an asset. you know, like the kind of answer you give to that standard interview question? but i've come to realize that it's just an excuse to not be happy with what you are / what you have.

i recently came across this post on the subject on penelope trunk's blog. most of what she writes resonates with me as a woman trying to juggle a family and a career, and this post was no different. it struck a chord on a personal note as well. i found these four observations to be very insightful:

• Perfectionists procrastinate because they're scared of not being perfect.
• Perfectionists are hypercritical to the point that they can't support people around them.
• Perfectionists can't finish a project because they can always think of a way to improve it.
• Perfectionists are phony, because no one's perfect and they can't handle showing that in themselves.

but identifying your flaws is the easy part. changing your entire outlook on life, even if it is for the better, is not so easy.

reflection

i've been a momma for just over a over a year now, and not only did i survive - i thrived! it certainly wasn't easy - there was never enough time, never enough sleep, and barely enough patience. (hence the delinquency in blog updates). we gave up nights out on the town, dinner at fancy restaurants and exotic vacations for 7:30 bedtimes, takeout food and trips to the playground. but we also gained toothy grins, sloppy kisses, the warmest snuggles, the thrill of first words, first steps, and laughter so pure that it makes your heart smile. in short, the past year was [an] amazing [blur]. 

i wish i would have taken the time to blog about her 1st birthday and the milestones leading up to it. in true hannah fashion, i stressed for weeks about the event. i poured over every single detail - guest list, food, decorations, her clothes, party favors, etc. and the one thing i couldn't control got me - it turned out to be the hottest weekend of the entire summer - 95 degrees + 90% humidity. awesome. but despite the backyard sauna, everybody had a wonderful time. we were so lucky to have so many friends and family who wanted to share in maggie's celebration. she had two parties over two days involving over 120 guests. i won't bore you with all the pics since they are all posted to my flickr site. but here is my favorite shot of the three of us from that day.

 

10 months today!

there are no words...

sometimes robots are good

chad is on a business trip this week, and yesterday morning i got this message from him in regards to the bean:

"i actually missed her last night. weird."

you probably think it's weird that he thinks it's weird to miss his kid while away from home. that's because you might not know my hubby very well. the running joke is that he's an emotional robot. but that sounds worse than it actually is. chad's brain works very rationally. he doesn't harp over things he cannot control. he doesn't drive himself crazy with what-ifs. he doesn't hold grudges. he doesn't let emotions get in the way of making sound decisions. (now you understand why being an emotional robot isn't necessarily a bad thing?)

but an extension of all this is that he doesn't typically "waste" time missing people in the traditional sense. he doesn't dwell on a day or two or three spent away from home - although he might get that longing a typical husband gets to see his wife if it were a week or more. his logic is that he will get to see us soon enough, and we have the rest of our lives to spend together. it doesn't bother me. i'm the same way (minus the harping, driving myself crazy and making sound decisions). okay, so i'm really not the same in that respect. but now that i've gotten used to it... he tells me he misses maggie less than 24 hours after he last saw her?! that's just craziness! it appears that our little girl has melted that stone, cold heart of his. haha. but all kidding aside, i'm not actually surprised. because when i say he's emotionless, i'm mostly referring to the self-destructive ones: jealousy, bitterness, neuroticism, skepticism. (however, he's not perfect - he has more than his fair share of ego!).

anyway, what i'm trying to say is that he is a wonderful father. there is no lack of love, integrity, dedication, and awe-inspiring patience. i've heard a lot of moms of infants (and even older kids) complain that their husbands are not involved enough. so i know that maggie and i are incredibly fortunate to have chad as a daddy and husband. he has been there 100% every step of the way. he is just as capable (if not more) as a parent than i am. he may not adhere to the nap schedule to the nano second like i do, but no one else can evoke bigger smiles and louder squeals of joy from maggie. she adores him. and i'm sure she actually misses him, too.

just in time for mother's day

a few of my favorite shots from our photoshoot with andrea roberts photography.

finally! a nice pic of all three of us!

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