last week i finally spilled the beans about my pregnancy to my boss and co-workers. no one even feigned surprise. i wonder what gave me away. could it have been the frumpy clothes that i've been wearing in futile attempts to hide my already enormous belly? or maybe the all-day snacking? the frequent trips to the bathroom? the nice shade of green on my face from the constant nausea?
i didn't want to tell everyone until everything checked out okay with my OB. but my original appointment got canceled because she was stuck in a delivery. on the morning of my rescheduled OB appointment, i had a one-on-one with my boss, which presented me with the perfect opportunity to give her the news: "i'm pregnant... with TWINS!" like i said, the 1st part came as no surprise to anybody. but TWINS!? that was a surprise.
i know the rule of thumb is to not make your pregnancy public knowledge until after you're out of the "danger zone", aka 1st trimester. but at that point, i was almost 12 weeks, and had already had 2 ultrasounds with my RE. there was some concern at my 1st u/s because baby B was measuring behind and had a slightly enlarged yolk sac. but we were reassured by the 2nd u/s at 8 1/2 weeks that showed that both babies were growing at the same rate and had good, strong heartbeats. my nausea was still pretty bad - much worse than when i was pregnant with Mags. but i considered it a good sign - attributed it to the fact that i was carrying 2 (double the hormones). overall, i was feeling very positive and hopeful. i saw no reason to conceal my pregnancy any longer.
so imagine how blindsided i was later that afternoon when the u/s at my OB's office revealed that baby B did not make it. it was clear to me as soon as the u/s came onto the screen. but my OB did not divulge the info right away, wisely choosing to first focus on baby A, who appeared to be doing great. i could tell chad hadn't seen what i saw: baby B was much smaller than baby A and there was no flashing of its heartbeat. but while my OB focused on baby A, pointing out its organs, fingers, toes, etc., i somewhat managed to convince myself that maybe it was the angle or position of the u/s wand that had caused me to jump to bad conclusions. i allowed myself the teensiest bit of hope. however, as my OB shifted the focus to baby B, i knew the final verdict even before she muttered a single word. and i was crushed. chad was devastated as well. the life we had begun to picture as a family of five came tumbling down. suddenly, four seemed so small.
this isn't my 1st miscarriage, but it feels completely different from my other one. with that one, i was allowed to mourn. i took a couple days off work, i cried for weeks, people felt sorry for me and i was allowed to feel sorry for myself. it had taken me a year to get pregnant that time (and then another year to get pregnant again with Maggie). this time, i probably won't even experience the loss physically - supposedly baby B will just "vanish". obviously, i'm still pregnant. i still have one blessing on the way. maybe that's why people seem to be discounting my loss. i guess i can't blame them. even i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel.
i'm trying very hard to focus on the positives, but i keep thinking about the moment we 1st found out we were having twins. one of my very first thoughts about having 3 under the age of 2 was, "NOOOOOO.... MINIVAN!" now i desperately wish i still had a need for a minivan.
